Final Fantasy Deathmatch- Episode 1
by Tifa's Knight
Summary: Final Fantasy Deathmatch is the best way to solve those age-old Final Fantasy rivalries. Watch your favorite FF characters beat the crap out of eachother! Based on MTV's Celebrity Deathmatch.


FINAL FANTASY   
DEATHMATCH   
Episode 1:   
  
  
Round 1- Yuffie vs Selphie   
  
Round 2- Edge vs Shadow   
  
MAIN EVENT- SEPHIROTH VS KEFKA  
  
  
  
Round 1: Selphie vs Yuffie   
  
Reno: Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to the newest, most fabulous sporting event in the world of Final Fantasy!   
  
Rude: Final Fantasy Deathmatch is the best way to figure out who's the greatest in those age-old rivalries of Final Fantasy characters.   
  
Reno: For example, the first round of this episode will feature Selphie and Yuffie, the two little annoying brats of Final Fantasy. Wouldn't you like to finally know which one is more annoying?   
  
Rude: Today's fight will also feature the exciting pugilistic action of the two ninjas of the old-school FFs, the wild-hearted Edge and the mysterious Shadow. Who's the greatest master of the martial arts?   
  
Reno: And, in our main event, we have perhaps one of the most intense Final Fantasy rivalries of all time- who is the greater villain, the deadly Sephiroth of Final Fantasy VII, or the vile but somehow lovable Kefka from Final Fantasy VI? This match will decide for you!   
  
Rude: And now the legal stuff. Please disregard this next section as part of the presentation, and regard it as a mere note from the author of this fanfic. Thank you.   
  
Reno: No victory in the Final Fantasy Deathmatch series is based on the writer's personal preferance. Each victor was decided by a perfectly fair coin toss. So if your favorite doesn't win, don't blame him for having favorites- cuz his favorites aren't neccessarily winning.   
  
Rude: And now, sit back and enjoy the intense action of Final Fantasy Deathmatch! We now start round 1 of tonight's episode: Selphie vs Yuffie!   
  
Yuffie comes running down one isle. The crowds laugh histerically at her.   
  
Yuffie: SHUTTUP!!! Dad!!!   
  
Yuffie's dad walks slowly into the arena, his hands folded in front of him.   
  
Yuffie's dad: You must find the strength to defeat the crowds in yourself, Yuffie.   
  
Yuffie: Dad!!! Shuttup!   
Yuffie kicks her dad out of the ring.   
  
Selphie comes running down the isles. She jumps into the ring. She jumps up and down, looking at the cameras.   
  
Selphie: I'm on TV!! I'm on TV!! Hi Irvy! Hiiiii!!!!   
  
Yuffie: Shuttup you little dweeb! Give me all your materia!   
  
Selphie: Stop it!   
Selphie starts crying.   
Selphie: Irvy! I'm scared!   
  
Irvine starts to walk toward the arena from the audience. Turks run out in front of him and prevent him from approaching the arena.   
  
Yuffie: Wimp! I'm much hotter than you!   
  
Selphie: You slut! I'm not like that!   
  
Yuffie: YOU'RE a slut!   
Yuffie throws her blade at Selphie; Selphie screams and ducks. The blade goes wildly out of control, spinning around. People in the audience scream and run for cover as the blade begins to send their body parts hurling in different directions.   
  
Yuffie: Hey! I missed!   
  
Selphie: That's IT! You're too mean!   
  
Selphie charges at Yuffie.   
  
Yuffie: Bring it on, dork!   
  
Selphie punches Yuffie in the face, sending her hurling back into the ropes.   
  
Yuffie: Ow! For a puny little pipsqueak you punch hard!   
  
Selphe is dancing in front of the cameras again.   
  
Selphie: See me Irvy! I won!   
  
Yuffie makes a flying jumpkick into Selphie's head, knocking her over.   
  
Selphie begins to cry.   
Selphie: Irvy! She's hurting me! Iiiiiiiiiiirrrrvvvvvyyyyyy!!!!   
  
Irvine takes out his shotgun and blasts down the turks. More turks run in and start shooting back at him; they commence a firefight.   
  
Yuffie: I'll kill you before your butthole boyfriend can reach you! Ha ha ha!   
  
Yuffie throws her blade again; this time, it chops off Selphie's arm.   
  
Selphie: WAAAAAAAAAAA!!!! IRVY, HELP!!!   
  
Reno: This is an intense fight, folks! Yuffie seems to be dominating, but how will she do if that maniac Irvine gets into the ring?   
  
Rude: If she can finish the obnoxious wonder of FF8, she'll be declared the most annoying girl in Final Fantasy history.   
  
Yuffie: I WANT that title! Die, little dork!   
  
Yuffie prepares to hurl her blade again, aiming for the head of the weeping Selphie, but suddenly...   
  
Irvine: Selphie! Catch!   
Irvine hurles a small box into the ring, and Selphie picks it up.   
  
Selphie: {GASP!} Yes, Irvine! The answer is yes!!   
  
Reno: What?! Could it be that Irvine is crazy enough to propose to his girlfriend when she's about to be chopped to ribbons?!   
  
Yuffie: Ha ha ha! Isn't that cute?! The little dork gets proposed to before she dies! HA HA HA!!   
  
Irvine: OH, FUCK!!   
Irvine hurls his shotgun in the air and tries to run out, but turks block him from exiting.   
  
Rude: What's this? Irvine seems to have suddenly got upset about something.   
  
Reno: Maybe he didn't realize that Selphie was about to die?   
  
Selphie: Hey, why's there a button on it?   
Selphie presses the button, and the box suddenly springs open, with a pair of steel jaws ready to snap and a shining Knights of the Round Materia in the center.   
  
Yuffie's eyes grow huge, her lip begins to tremble, she begins to drool.   
  
Yuffie: M... m... MAAAATTTTTHHHHEEEEEERRRRRYYYYAAAAAAA... huhuhuhuhuh...   
  
Yuffie runs toward the Materia in a very strange manner, her hands waving crazily and her feet turning sideways as she lifts them. She jumps onto the Materia, drooling and laughing, and is promptly turned into flying chunks of flesh and bone that shoot out among the audience as two steel jaws snap together when she touches the materia.   
  
Rude: And apparently it wansn't an engagement ring afterall! It was instead a Yuffie-trap, and boy did it work! The former dominator of this match is now nothing but scraps!   
  
Reno: It all goes to show that even though Selphie may be a wining obnoxious little wimp who's just useless to have around throughout all of FF8, her boyfriend is really tough, and never mess with a girl who has a tough boyfriend, especially if he's serious enough to propose to her.   
  
Rude: On the other hand, it appears he's not quite so ready afterall...   
  
Selphie runs up and grabs the Knights of the Round from the sprung trap.   
Selphie: Ooooh, it's beatiful Irvy!!! It's beautiful!!!   
  
Selphie jumps out of the ring and charges down the aisle toward Irvine. All the turks scatter in panick.   
  
Irvine: NoooooooOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!   
  
Selphie: Oh Irvy I love you I love you I love you love you love you love you love you!!!   
Selphie jumps on Irvine, knocking him to the ground and kissing him madly. Irvine struggles, but cannot escape.   
  
Reno: Well, I guess that Selphie sure won that battle. She gained the title of most obnoxious Final Fantasy girl, and an unwilling husband. Stay tuned for Round 2- Edge vs Shadow!   
  
Round 2- Edge vs Shadow   
  
Reno: And we're back! Be prepared for another exciting round of Final Fantasy Deathmatch.   
  
Rude: This time, we bring the great match of the two deadly Final Fantasy ninjas, Edge from FF4 and Shadow from FF6. And man, this is gonna be one intense battle, as both these characters have some incredible assets that could really turn the tables suddenly!   
  
Reno: It looks like they're entering the ring now!   
  
Shadow walks slowly, surely, confidently down the aisle into the ring.   
  
Shadow: ....., .....   
Shadow raises his hands for emphasis.   
  
Shadow: ....   
  
Rude: Boy, is that ever mysterious!   
  
Edge runs into the ring.   
  
Edge: I'm gonna cut you open and splatter your guts on the floor!!!   
  
Shadow: .... ...? ......?   
  
Edge: Uh... what?   
  
Shadow: ....   
  
Edge: What?!   
  
Shadow: ......!!!   
  
Edge: I don't get you, ya queer!   
  
Shadow: ..... .....   
  
Edge: Okay, that's it! I'm gonna plaster you ta the wall! Flame!   
  
Edge casts Flame. Shadow dodges the flame.   
  
Shadow: ....   
Shadow points to his feet.   
  
Reno: Shadow seems to be signaling that he's wearing a pair of dragoon boots!   
  
Shadow noddes.   
Shadow: ....   
Shadow leaps high into the air. Edge gets out some throwing stars, ready to hurl them at Shadow. He thows them, but Interceptor appears in front of them out of nowhere, blocks them, and leaps at Edge, smashing him!   
  
Edge: Hey! No one said anything about the fucking dog!   
  
Shadow: ...   
Shadow shrugs as he lands.   
  
Edge jumps up.   
Edge: Blitz!!   
  
Lightning bolts rain down, electrocuting Shadow. Shadow falls down, wounded seriously.   
  
Edge: Ha ha ha! Yer a goner now, Shaggo!   
  
Shadow rolls his eyes.   
Shadow: ....   
  
Edge takes out some throwing stars.   
  
Shadow takes out a Fire Skean.   
  
Edge: Hey! Wait a second.... that's not fair! There aren't any Fire Skeans in FF4!   
  
Shadow: ....   
  
Edge: Well I know you don't have magic, but that's your fault for not equipping an Esper!   
  
Shadow: ....   
  
Edge: What? You DO have an Esper?! Umm... wait a second...   
  
Shadow: ....!   
  
Suddenly, Odin appears above Shadow. He prepares to heave his mighty sword.   
  
Edge: Umm... Shadow... can we talk about this?   
  
Odin leaps at Edge.   
  
Edge: Hey, Odin, nice Odin, okay, come on, pleeeeeeezzeee don't kill me!!   
  
Odin's horse lands right on Edge.   
  
Odin: Oh man, I must be losing my edge... no pun intended.   
Odin then looks down at his horse.   
Odin: And c'mon, Sparky, you gotta stop puttin on so much weight, dammit!   
  
Odin dissapears.   
  
Shadow: .............!!!!   
  
Rude: Whoa, Shadow might wanna keep his language down or we'll have to start cencoring him there.   
  
Edge slowly gets up, stretching out his aching back.   
  
Edge: That's.... it... I'm... gonna... really... hurt you bad now!!   
Edge uses Sneak and steals Shadow's Esper!   
  
Shadow: .....??!   
  
Edge: Ha ha ha! You never got to have the steal ability in FF6, because LOCKE HAD IT INSTEAD!! HA HA HA HA!!! BUT I'M A BETTER NINJA THEN YOU, CUZ I HAD THAT, AND MAGIC, *AND* THROW!!! HA HA HA HA!   
  
Shadow points at the object that Edge is holding. Edge looks down at it. There is a fuze on it. He looks up again with huge eyes at Shadow.   
  
Shadow: ......   
Shadow waves goodbye to edge. The Esper explodes, and Edge's chest gets blown open from the impact. Interceptor runs over and begins to eat his guts.   
  
Shadow walks around the ring as he is cheered, raising his hands up in a victory motion.   
Shadow fans: ...-...! ...-...! ...-...! ...-...! ...-...!   
  
Reno: And that concludes another extreme round of Final Fantasy Deathmatch!   
  
Rude: What an amazing battle! In the end, Shadow proved that quick thinking can completely change the outcome of the battle, and that having more abilities doesn't neccessarily make you a better ninja.   
  
Reno: Coming up, the exciting main event of tonight's Final Fantasy Deathmatch... Sephiroth of Final Fantasy VII vs Kefka of Final Fantasy VI! Prepare to witness the most incredible super-villain battle in the world of Final Fantasy!   
  
Rude: It's all coming up next! Don't go away!   
Main Event- Sephiroth vs Kefka   
  
Reno: And this is it! The exciting main event of our show!   
  
Rude: Now, two of the greatest villains in the history of video gaming will square off against one another in a deadly one-on-one deathmatch   
  
Reno: The debate about which one of these two is superior has been going on ever since FF7 came out.   
  
Rude: So here you have it! Ladies and gentlemen, the exciting climactic battle between SEPHIROTH OF FF7 AND KEFKA OF FF6!!   
  
Sephiroth walks mysteriously out of his entrance, heading down the aisles toward the ring. Flames burst up around him, and smoke shoots up from the ground. He walks into the arena, and the Sephiroth fans cheer loudly.   
  
Sephiroth: I am but myself of to the victory, far but destruction of two enemies.   
  
Reno: And it appears that Sephiroth's legendary mysteriously wacky phrases will be used frequently, probably to confuse his opponent!   
  
Kefka comes down the opposite aisle. Much more fire and smoke comes up for him. His robe bursts into flame, he jumps in surprise, then trips and goes careening down the stairs.   
  
Kefka gets up, brushes himself off.   
  
Kefka: I meant to do that! Wub-wub-wub-wub-wub!   
  
Kefka jumps into the ring.   
  
Sephiroth: To your suffering yet always eternal of forces not besides the faces are to your death.   
  
Kefka: What?!   
  
Rude: It looks like Sephiroth is using mystical jibberish to confuse his opponent!   
  
Kefka: No way I'm gonna lose to a big moron whose hair is longer than his life will be! Wub-wub-wub-wub-wub!   
  
Sephiroth: Do and try past none with you are of all the world.   
  
Kefka: Oh yeah?! Flare! Wub-wub-wub-wub-wub!   
  
Tiny specks of orange light begin to form around Sephiroth.   
  
Sephiroth: Darkness after and foolishness beyond eternity two...   
  
The Flare explodes, and Sephiroth is sent flying backward into the ropes.   
  
Sephiroth: Okay! Now it's time to get down to business!   
  
Reno: Sephiroth appears to have ditched the confusion technique!   
  
Kefka: Give me your worst, asshole!   
  
Sephiroth: You do not realize my power! Toad!   
  
Kefka gasps as he becomes a toad.   
  
Kefka: Croak! Ribbit! Glub-glub-glub-glub-glub!   
  
Kefka uses a maiden's kiss. Celes comes out of it and kisses him. He becomes Kefka again.   
  
Locke runs in.   
Locke: Celes! What are you doing?! He's the bad guy!   
  
Celes: I'm sorry, but it's my job when I'm inside one of those FF7 dohickeys.   
  
Locke: Hey, speaking of hickies...   
  
Celes: Good idea! Let's go!   
  
Celes and Locke run off.   
  
Rude: Well, it appears that Locke won't need to worry about becoming a toad for a while!   
  
Sephiroth: Now, feel my absolute power! METEOR!   
  
Kekfa: Yikes! Not the ultimate destructive magic!   
  
Sephiroth: I'm afraid so. But do not worry... because you are...   
  
Kefka: What?!   
  
Sephiroth: You are... a puppet.   
  
Kefka: Well, this puppet's not gonna be beaten by a loser like you! I've still got five minutes before Meteor hits! And besides, I'm a much better villain than you are!   
  
Sephiroth: But you are not dark, mystical, and awe-inspiring.   
  
Kefka: Well you're not as evil as me! I killed everyone in Doma!!   
  
Sephiroth: Well I burnt down Nibelheim!   
  
Kefka: Well I killed Cyan's wife and kid!   
  
Sephiroth: Well I killed Tifa's father!   
  
Kefka: WELL I DESTROYED THE WORLD!!! WUB-WUB-WUB-WUB-WUB!!   
  
Sephiroth: WELL I KILLED AERIS!!   
  
Kefka: WELL THAT ONLY MADE AERIS ABLE TO USE THE LIFESTREAM TO STOP YOU, SO HA!!!!   
  
Sephiroth: WELL YOU DESTROYING THE WORLD DIDN'T TURN OUT SO DECISIVE EITHER, DID IT?!!   
  
Reno: My goodness! This seems to have turned into a vicious verbal battle!   
  
Kefka: DESTROYING THE WORLD IS THE WORST THING YOU CAN DO!   
  
Sephiroth: NO, KILLING THE GIRL WHO EVERYONE LOVES IS THE WORST THING YOU CAN DO!!   
  
Kefka: NUH-UH!!   
  
Sephiroth: YUH-HUH!!   
  
Sephiroth looks at his watch.   
  
Sephiroth: Aha, Kefka! My plan worked! I stalled you so long that Meteor will hit you now! Time up!   
  
Kefka: What?! Noooo!!!   
  
The audience gasps, looks at the sky, and waits. Nothing happens.   
  
Kefka: Wub-wub-wub-wub-wub-wub!! You idiot! Meteor is behind schedule, as usual! There's always a deadline for when it'll hit, but you can mosy around all you want and it never will unless you die!   
  
Sephiroth: No!   
  
Kefka: Now I'll use MY special power-giving super weapon on YOU!   
  
Sephiroth: What?! No...   
  
Kefka: YES! WUB-WUB-WUB-WUB-WUB-WUB!!   
Kefka pulls out the three godess statues.   
  
Kefka: Statues, give me your power!!!   
  
Statue 1: Do we really have to? Last time that happened it didn't turn out so good.   
  
Kefka: NOW!!   
  
Statue 2: Okay, okay, don't get pushy...   
  
Statue 3: Here, but this time, please don't use us for sex toys, okay, that's not what we're meant for!   
  
Kefka: Hey! You promised not to tell anyone about that!   
  
Statue 1: Well you promised not to ever make us give you our power again!   
  
Kefka: Just do it!   
  
The statues surround Kefka, making him extremely powerful.   
  
Sephiroth: NOOO!! Bolt 3!   
  
Sephiroth casts Bolt3, but nothing happens!   
  
Rude: Amazing! Kefka is using the shielding rays of the three statues to protect himself from Sephiroth's magic!   
  
Sephiroth: Aaaargggh! Curse you, Kefka! But I've still got my sword, and nothing can protect you from that!   
  
Kefka: That's what you think! Ultima!   
  
Sephiroth yells in pain as an explosion of Ultima sends him tumbling backward.   
  
Sephiroth: Hey! what's with that Ultima?! It's blue!   
  
Kefka: Ultimas are supposed to be blue!   
  
Sephiroth: No way! Ultimas are green!   
  
Kefka: Prove it!   
  
Sephiroth: Okay, stand right there. Sephiroth points to an area on the opposite side of the ring from the statues.   
  
Kefka: Okay, now we'll see who's right. Wub-wub-wub-wub-wub!   
  
Kefka walks over to the other side of the ring.   
  
Sephiroth: Fool! Ultima!   
  
Sephiroth casts Ultima and it blows Kefka away.   
  
The Sephiroth fans cheer as he jumps up on the edge of the ring and waves his Murasame in the air.   
  
Reno: It appears that Sephiroth has one this match! Kefka unwittingly allowed himself to be blown to pieces!   
  
Rude: Wait a minute! It looks like Kefka's not quite gone yet!   
  
Kefka slowly slinks back into the arena and sits in the center of the three statues. Sephiroth is too busy doing his victory dance to notice.   
  
Suddenly, a dark, looming shadow hovers over the ring. Sephiroth suddenly looks up. Then he looks over at the statues with Kefka in the center.   
  
Sephiroth: Oh shit...   
  
Kefka: Wub-wub-wub-wub-wub!   
  
Sephiroth screams as the Meteor bounces off the protective field of the statues and onto his head, smashing him into a steaming pile of dribble.   
  
Reno: Unbelievable! Sephiroth's own magic destroyed him in the end!   
  
Rude: I guess that cleverness won out over mysteriousness this time. Be sure to tune into Final Fantasy Deathmatch next time, when we give you the next exciting grudge matches between the characters of the world of Final Fantasy!   
  
Reno: Thanks for watching Final Fantasy Deathmatch! Final Fantasy Deathmatch is sponsored by Mud. Mud- Remember, when you're in a jam, Mud wants some business. See you next time!   
  



End file.
